The man with no name and no heart

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals!

2006-12-28T07:48:00.000-08:00

Ah, Christmas. The time for family, fun and A HOEDOWN! That’s right…here's my Christmas hoedown! I'd wish you all Merry Christmas, but I hate all of you!

Christmas Hoedown

Santa loves alcohol and not to mention little boys
He lures children on his lap with the promise of toys
He's a rich ugly bastard and a dirty hairy slob
Garuka De Silva wants to know if he can have his job

if he can have his jooooooooob!

Forced by dorks to do this

2006-12-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

God, I hate doing this. Stupid ass law of tagging in the blog world.

1. Popcorn or Candy – Candy Candy Candy….Friends, career, parents…all just obstacles in the way of me getting more candy!

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever –Godfather Part 2. Pacino takes over Brando…How can it get better?

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Take the Oscar away from Russell Crowe for Gladiator and beat him to death with it.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be? – Jet Li's suit in Fist of Legend when he fights the supreme Japenese master. Didn't have a stain even though he was thrown through walls, windows and concrete. What a suit!

5. Invite 5 movie people over for dinner, who are they? What would you feed them? – Hugh Jackman, Kevin Spacey, Al Pacino, and for good measure Halle Berry and Jennifer Morrison. Feed ‘em their parents. I don't know why.

6. Your favorite film franchise is: Lord of the Rings without a doubt.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theatre? Circumcising them with a rusty nail.

8. Choose a female bodyguard – My mother (Uma Thurman in Kill Bill doesn’t stand a chance).

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? – Owen Wilson’s nose.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) – Arnold Schwarznegger movies where he kills anybody with a driver’s license.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? – No more freaking Adam Sandler, Owen Wilson or Ben Stiller movies. They can only work as “fluffer uppers” in porno flicks!

12. Bonnie or Clyde – Bonnie….I’m not a bisexual penguin like Sloth.

Don’t anyone tag me again! I’ll kill all you virgins!

Remember the cereals....and junk food

2006-12-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

Food...Glorious food…..Hot chicks and mustard….something like that. Even though Big Mama is stuffing me with 6 course meals every day, I still miss the great foods that I have grown accustomed to in Birmingham.

Here’s the few that come to mind….

Crunchy Nut Milk Chocolate Clusters – It’s rare for a cereal to take the pedestal of Kelloggs Frosties (Eating it since I was 8). But this little cereal blended the nectar of the gods with the secretions of an Aphrodite. I even convinced the cashier at Tescos to give it a try when I went in for my 5 boxes a week stash. I bet she’s moved up I world now…probably a bag lady at Marks and Spencers.

Big Wok – All you can eat baby! Been there are least 10 times and I’ve only gotten sick 3 of those times! I’m so proud of myself! 50 oil dripping dishes that would give a buffalo a coronary. Wonderful stuff.

Bar on Bar – Recently discovered that they have some of the finest pizzas in town! Pizza Express…you don’t hold a candle! Soft, fluffy, delightful little pizzas at this little bar near the canals. Thank you to Demi-God and Raven for the introduction.

Walkers Sweet Thai Chilli – Fantastic chips that I can eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner and still look forward to its mouth watering goodness when I lay my lovely locks on the pillow at night.

Subway – That’s right! Sri Lanka doesn’t have a Subway! How barbaric! Meatball Marinara you can stink up a room like a bitch but hell, you taste so good! Ah, the number of times The Don and me have picked up a sub and gone to my room and watched Family Guy or some equally entertaining program on my baby….You can’t eat memories like that!

Cafe Gusto - A newly discovered coffee joint by Italian Demi-god and Raven. Very cool with a great atmosphere and excellent service by the Italian staff who Demi-god shamelessly chats up because she speaks Italian.

Crepe Joint in South Kensington – Darwin, Lady Pagan and Clocked One will agree with me when I say that this place truly rocked when it came to making out of this world Crepes. I thought a crepe was the consequence of passing a really large stone before I went into this joint. Live and learn people and believe, sinking your teeth into these little beauties will tingle your giblets to high heaven. Chocolate Hazelnut crepe…I recommend to thee!

If ever any of you tumors with hair come to Sri Lanka, pick up these goodies along with you. It might stop me from shooting your ass when you step foot on my property.

F#%$ “Snakes on a Plane”…This is way worse!

2006-11-24T16:06:00.000-08:00

Oh why why why why are people are so goddamn stupid! Each race stupider than the next! Now the Arabs……they are way up the totem pole of “Retarded faggots”. Emirates Airlines.…get ready for this…. are going to allow MOBILE PHONES to be used on aircrafts from next year!! Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Little Buddha! Talk about stupid marketing gimmicks! The jerks actually think by allowing people to have mobile phones on a plane, more people will travel!

Being in a seat the size of a sardine can next to smelly people and breathing recycled air, eating food they probably scrapped off a hobo’s boot is bad enough....but actually sitting in a contained area listening to a whole load of jag offs talk on their phones in DIFFERENT LANGUAGES! Dear Lord! Not only that, you’ll be listening to every frigging ring tone too from “Mary had a little Lamb” to some stupid Snoop Dogg tune!

Hopefully, in business class, they’ll give us pistols to shoot wankers who annoy us with their jabberings over the phone. It seems like the next logical step!

Yesterday....

2006-11-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

As so many have described my leaving Birmingham as the “end of an era” (Two, alright! Bah, cynics!), I have been inclined to look back and dig up pieces of my fractured mind. It’s not surprising that the people who top the list are my amigo numero unos but what strikes me as strange is the people I didn’t know that well or haven’t kept in touch since keep coming up in my head. It’s strange how a person you won’t think twice about can still make you knobbly at the knees when you remember the great time you had together. For example: A certain tall “J’lo” look alike lass was so sweet and adorable that I still remember her quirky little smile and laugh. I met her only twice, but she’s forever stuck in my little, twisted mind. If she ever read this…I’d be sued faster than Michael Jackson in heat.

Thirteen years ago a kid in my Karate bus (yes, I took Karate! Got up to brown belt, suckas!) collected the ever popular, Street Fighter cards. They were the rage at the time and I really wanted to collect them too. However, my Birth Giver said she’d rip my liver out and feed it to pigeons before she gave me money for those cards. After narrowly losing my liver, this kid agreed to bring the cards and we’d stare at them, admiring how cool they look, talk about the characters all the way to the class. Ah, those were some fine times! When it was time for me to leave for Sri Lanka, at the end of my last class, this kid gave me his entire collection as a gift! I almost passed out! This kid spent years having the coolest Street Fighter collection in the whole of Dubai! It was his pride and joy and he just handed it over to a person he’s never going to meet again. We didn’t even have internet at that time so fat chance I’m going to be writing letters! For the life of me, I can’t remember this kid’s name or even what he looked like…all I remember is that this kid showed me more generosity than I had ever known. I still have the cards and I’ll always remember this kid for it. He taught me more that minute than I have ever learnt through years and years of friendship with other clowns I considered friends. Aren’t you all ashamed now?

Superheroes Part I

2006-11-03T22:27:00.000-08:00

It’s no secret that The Noodle has always had a thing for comics and superheroes. People either share my passion for the characters or dismiss it as juvenile traits of my character. What always fascinated me about the characters is that no matter how powerful they were, they couldn’t control everything (Well, unless you count the fact that Superman reversed the rotation of the Earth to save Lois Lane…That was pretty cool). They sometimes couldn’t even get the girl. The heroes even go as far as helping people who are absolute jerks to them. I would let their bones be liquefied but Superman and Spider-man are the kind of heroes who would risk their lives to save even the biggest dicks in the universe. Now that is something and I think we can learn something from that. I don’t know what it is, but hell, I’m sure you people who care can figure it out.

The Man of Steel! C’mon, who doesn’t love Superman! Sure the comic books suck (The villains were just so goddamn stupid! The Superman allies were even worse! SUPER-DOG! SUPER-CAT! C’mon!). But the Superman character was always so cool.

In the movies, the sweet, bumbling Clark Kent was just as fascinating to watch as was Superman. Superman and Superman Returns were brilliant for the sole reason that they showed the humanity in Clark Kent and the love he yearns for with Lois Lane. Try balancing that with being the most powerful being in the universe is one heck of a doozy. However, that never stops him from his dedication and will to do what is right. Incorruptible, absolutely flawless in every human trait, looking great in tights not to mention having his own awesome theme music, makes Superman someone to aspire to.

Christopher Reeve truly did show us a man can fly. Brandon Routh continues the legacy that is Superman.

Hoe Down

2006-10-31T20:08:00.000-08:00

Calm down! Your mother hasn't been shot (Ba bing bam boom)! I'm talking more along the lines of the hillybilly song and dance. As the people I can stand know, I've re-ignited my love for Whose line is it Anyway?, the great improv comedy show thats been going on for a solid 20 years (Try and beat that, goddamn O.C). I recently had a conversation with a floozie, and she had the gall to tell me that I couldn't do the Hoe down which the performers do at the end of the show. What they do is ask the audience for an object or event and they have to come up with a few lines of song on the spot. She gave me a few suggestions and so did a bunch of other cretins! I dare you punks to think of anything better! Remember, less than a minute! Oh, and its best to read the following in the style of a song.

Vitamins
Every morning I take vitamins without fail,
Its made me so smart that I can now even read Braille
I should get some exercise cause I’m still a lazy bum,
Cause I’m starting to look like Praveen’s fatso mum.

Chocolate
Chocolate is funky, its always tasty and cool,
No matter what its made with, it always makes me drool,
I could eat it with cheese or dung or even cake,
But I’ll never ever eat it with anything that Darwin bakes.

My First Kiss
My first kiss was with someone very fancy,
It wasn’t with an animal or a guy who’s a nancy,
I wish I could tell you, I bet you’re really curious,
But if I do, Garuka’s mother would be furious!

Mobile Phones
I see lots of rude people with mobile phones around,
I wish I could grab them and stomp them to the ground
I’ll name a few, that’s right I’m gonna be a rat,
Pretty Princess, you’re the worst…y’know that’s a fact!

that's a faaaaaaaaaccct!!

Worthy Weapons of Choice

2006-10-30T19:33:00.000-08:00

NOT Mad Magazine or Hustler (My Bible), BUT BBC News had an excellent article on some of the alternate strategies the US ( The largest super power in the world) goverment were considering in order to defeat their enemies. In case, you don't believe me, check out the link below. Oh, and the picture was just a bonus. She stands for everything I consider indecent.

US military pondered love not war

The US military investigated building a "gay bomb", which would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistible" to each other, government papers say.

Other weapons that never saw the light of day include one to make soldiers obvious by their bad breath. The US defence department considered various non-lethal chemicals meant to disrupt enemy discipline and morale.

The 1994 plans were for a six-year project costing $7.5m, but they were never pursued. The US Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, sought Pentagon funding for research into what it called "harassing, annoying and 'bad guy'-identifying chemicals". The plans were obtained under the US Freedom of Information by the Sunshine Project, a group which monitors research into chemical and biological weapons.

'Who? Me?'

The plan for a so-called "love bomb" envisaged an aphrodisiac chemical that would provoke widespread homosexual behaviour among troops, causing what the military called a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale.
Scientists also reportedly considered a "sting me/attack me" chemical weapon to attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats towards enemy troops.
A substance to make the skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight was also pondered.
Another idea was to develop a chemical causing "severe and lasting halitosis", so that enemy forces would be obvious even when they tried to blend in with civilians.
In a variation on that idea, researchers pondered a "Who? Me?" bomb, which would simulate flatulence in enemy ranks. Indeed, a "Who? Me?" device had been under consideration since 1945, the government papers say.
However, researchers concluded that the premise for such a device was fatally flawed because "people in many areas of the world do not find faecal odour offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis".
Captain Dan McSweeney of the Joint Non-Lethal Weapons Directorate at the Pentagon said the defence department receives "literally hundreds" of project ideas, but that "none of the systems described in that [1994] proposal have been developed".
He told the BBC: "It's important to point out that only those proposals which are deemed appropriate, based on stringent human effects, legal, and international treaty reviews are considered for development or acquisition."

I dunno. Making your enemies gay and stink seems like a violation on human rights. Bomb, shoot and mutilate everybody in the Middle East - quickly and effectively. Nothing wrong with that.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4174519.stm

Home Sweet Home

2006-10-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

In case you jerks thought that I lived in a little mud hut in Sri Lanka, let me enlighten you people. Hows about a few pictures of the Noodle House to make you stare in awe, eh? Check it out!

The garden outside with a little staircase to the second floor. Looks like a jungle sometimes, but it makes me remember my roots and where my people come from. In the old days, we used to have snakes and loads of deadly little insects coming out of the ground trying to take over the house. Now that we increased their rent and sprayed them with every toxin on the planet, they've moved on.

The entrance into our house. We call the outside bit the "poop deck". Mama doesn't like the word poop in there but she's slowly gotten accustomed to our ever persistance. On warm days, its so awesome sitting in those chairs reading a good book with Timon sitting in the chair with me sleeping and his fat little body putting my leg to sleep. Aah, memories!

Ah, the pantry. We had it before it was cool to have one in your house. People used to think "pantry" meant fancy french underwear. It looks a little pansy ass looking but I have absolutely no say in it anyway. As my Mama puts it, "If you don't like it, you get the F%*@^ out!". Under the chair is little Toby, our chief fry cook. He's slacking a bit recently so he might get to be on the main menu pretty soon.

I'd put up pictures of my room....but unfortunately, my Mama has prettied up my room just like she's done to the kitchen. Once I start flinging filth around and marking my territory with urine, I'll be sure to post a lot more of my humble little room of love and acceptance.

It's what dreams are made of, kid

2006-10-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

I know I know! My next post was to be about me being all bitchy with the world! But unfortunately, I’m in too good a mood these days to be bitching about the wicked ways of the world! Perhaps on a day when someone pisses me off to my breaking point, I’ll do just that! I’m meeting The Sloth soon so the wait shouldn’t be that long!

Instead, I feel its time I pay tribute to my alma mater…my second home…The wonderful…the AMAZING…University of Birmingham! . That’s right, folks! My lovely university where I have nothing but great memories! Well, thats probably not entirely true but the good far outweighs the bad! Kind of like Angelina Jolie! Sure she may have two kids and screwing Brad Pitt…but I’m an understanding guy! I still love you Angelina!

Lets start off with just how cool my university looks. Known as a “redbrick” university, it is English to the bone. Traditional old buildings and beautifully green campuses not to mention the swarming hotties (excluding all the asian midgets that look like they were bred by elves with hair straightners). I remember on the first day I visited the University walking past that ugly statue you see in the picture below….Man, I couldn’t imagine walking past that thing everyday. Not a very good start, I thought! But hey, even the ugliest of things can turn out to be the most beautiful. And no, I didn’t nick that from a movie, jagoffs!

Moving onto my department. Ah, the long hours I gladly spent in there. I’d do it again given the chance except they’ve barred my black ass. My “Office of Love and Compassion” where many a floozy would hang out with me till the wee hours of the night during exam time. The braindead students I had to teach in the Maths Learning Centre, the long lectures which would make a guru shoot himself, the computer labs that stunk like Negro Amigo’s feet…memories!

Sure the work got boring and maybe a little stressful, the occasional friend turning out to be a jerk, the lunch room lady hitting on you (what I won’t do for a free Dairy Milk Chocolate)… it has all made me the pinnacle of sanehood that I can ever hope to achieve. The Don, Snow Globe, Calvin, Chris, Spice Rack, Singaporean Dame, Hot Mama and friends, Lady Pagan, Dental Nazi…..you truly made it rock! In addition to my “after university” days, Pretty Princess, Italian demi-god, and Raven…..wonderful gals!

It makes me wonder what would have happened if I accepted the offer by The University of Sheffield instead of Birmingham four years ago. This made me evaluate why I actually chose Birmingham. And then it hit me…it had a better listing in the phone book! What a way to decide your future, eh?

Actors NOT Celebrities

2006-10-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

I just read the news today and ofcourse, there has to be some article about some celebrity punk kid who's now grown up and being a prick. Haley "I see dead stinking people and saved Bruce Willis' career" Osment has been arrested for drunk driving and possessing marijuana. The question is why do so many celebrity brats get all messed up when they are no longer cute and don’t get anymore acting jobs because their faces look like decomposing leather. I would try and answer that but luckily; I really don’t give a rats ass about that! Instead, let’s concentrate on the actors who are still ROCKING!

Oh, Punky Brewster! If only I’d known you were going to turn into the smoking hottie you are today, I’d have definitely joined that stupid fan club that your awful show used to advertise! Although the show sucked monkey balls, she was the love of my life (When I was 10! Stupid FBI, stay away from me). Even at that age it made me wonder…What kind of parent would name their kid “Punky”? Well, her real name is “Soleil Moon Frye”, so I guess Punky is a step up!

Ron “Happy Days” Howard has proven he can go from being “cute” on-screen to “hideous but still talented” behind the screen. Ron Howard has made great movies like Apollo 13 and The Da Vinci Code (Screw you..this is MY blog) but with the notable exception of Beautiful Mind and Cinderella Man (Yeah that’s right! Russell Crowe, I hate your overacting poetry reading wallaby wanker face).

Although I don’t wish to bum him like The Sloth does, I have to say, he is probably the best actor in the world. This guy has improved in every possible way (Sorry Ron, looking like a homeless guy isn’t winning you any points here). Every performance from Empire of the Sun to Batman Begins has been exceptional (Even that crappy Shaft)! I can’t wait for The Prestige and the next Batman film.

Tomorrow, don’t forget to check out my rantings and hatred for humanity post. It should be a doozy!

"I don't know what to do with myself" by White Stripes

2006-10-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

Notable videos that absolutely made me wet my bed in excitement include the amazing “Weapon of Choice” by Fatboy Slim and the marvellous “Unforgiven” by Metallica. The song and video correlated so well together they became instant classics.

Sloth showed me the music video and I have to admit even with his love for psychotic music and beastiality he manages to scrape up some quality stuff every blue moon. The video comprises of Kate Moss in lingerie all by her lonesome self with just two everyday household items – a box and a stripper pole. If you thought Jessica Alba in Sin City was something else, I hate to tell you this, but Kate Moss kicks Jessica Alba’s mixed race butt into the next galaxy. You people might not think so…but then again, when have I ever cared for any of you cock knockers opinions?

Hot Mama and the ultimate "Pick-up lines"

2006-10-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Its not everyday that Noodle gets the pleasure of a young lady requesting his company for a lunch date and movie. Noodle is not stupid enough to pass up an opportunity like that! So I took the young lady known only as Hot Mama to WagaMamas! (Unclench your buttcheeks,folks). Ah, it was a delightful meal with very pleasent and tasteful conversation. On her part ofcourse...I was talking about how mankind has associated fudge with poo! We then proceeded to watch Children of Men which is the only Hollywood film I know where a Sri Lankan woman has a line by yelling some bullcrap in sinhala. Ofcourse she plays a loud mouthed refugee lying on the street next to her kid who has his head blown off....I think she was trying to order some nachos with all that yelling! It was certainly hard to understand her!

Anyway, we proceeded into the night and we came up with our top ten pick-up lines and here they are...Use them wisely or if stroking the cobra with righty gives you carpal tunnel...

1* Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself (Hot Mama)

2* Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT! (Noodle)

3* Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated. (Hot Mama)

4* Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world. (Hot Mama)

5* If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? (Hot Mamaa)

6* Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position. (Noodle)

7* Is your name Pepsi cause' I've gotta have it. (Noodle)

8* If you had some nuts on the wall, would they be walnuts?(yes). If you had some nuts on your chest, would they be chestnuts?(yes) If you had some nuts on your chin, would they be chinnuts?(yes) Hell no, you'd have a dick in your mouth. (Hot Mama)

9* Your so hot you make the elastic in my underwear melt. (Noodle original)

10* Do you wanna box? [Yes.] Well, get on your hands and knees and give me two blows to the head. (Hot Mama)

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-10-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

Its not often I walk into a cinema, spend cash on a film I know absolutely nothing about. When I say "not often" I mean freaking never in my lifetime! All I had to go on was the title of the film when I did my virgin voyage into the unknown. Little Miss Sunshine sounded like the gayest title to a film and the yellow poster certainly made me think this film would be along the lines of shit for brain movies like "John Tucker Must Die" and any movie starring Lindsey Lohan! However, this movie managed to absolutely astonish me! Goddamn it, the old saying is true "don't judge by the cover"! This doesn't mean I'm gonna start dating ugly chicks though! Brilliantly written characters, absolutely hilarious thanks to Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear mixed together with a little tragedy and absolutely messed up family values makes this a casket of wonders! I can't imagine a soul not smiling after watching this film! If there is such a cunt, please fornicate with a cheetah, jagoff!
If you want to know more, get off your fanny...buy a cinema ticket, download or beat up the chinese guy around the corner and steal his pirated copy...GO TO IT!

And so it begins.....

2006-10-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ah, it be a good day for the rise of a hero in the blogging world! I am very proud to have warded off all the virgins and the dorks who have been annoying me for the past 4 years to join blogspot! But upon hearing that people like Zach Braff from Scrubs and Scott Adams of Dilbert fame blog on a daily basis, I am now convinced to join this elite group of people!
I thought I'd start off my first blog with a bit of class! And to ensure I got the most class from a picture, Don Vito Corleone is ideally suited! I will go onto the usual bitchings and rantings that all the bloggers do in my next post. By the way, my brother is The Sloth....You can call me Noodle!

Impulsive start

2006-10-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

ME ME ME AND MORE ME!