Merry Christmas, you filthy animals!

Ah, Christmas. The time for family, fun and A HOEDOWN! That’s right…here's my Christmas hoedown! I'd wish you all Merry Christmas, but I hate all of you!

Christmas Hoedown

Santa loves alcohol and not to mention little boys
He lures children on his lap with the promise of toys
He's a rich ugly bastard and a dirty hairy slob
Garuka De Silva wants to know if he can have his job

if he can have his jooooooooob!

Forced by dorks to do this

God, I hate doing this. Stupid ass law of tagging in the blog world.

1. Popcorn or Candy – Candy Candy Candy….Friends, career, parents…all just obstacles in the way of me getting more candy!

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever –Godfather Part 2. Pacino takes over Brando…How can it get better?

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Take the Oscar away from Russell Crowe for Gladiator and beat him to death with it.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be? – Jet Li's suit in Fist of Legend when he fights the supreme Japenese master. Didn't have a stain even though he was thrown through walls, windows and concrete. What a suit!

5. Invite 5 movie people over for dinner, who are they? What would you feed them? – Hugh Jackman, Kevin Spacey, Al Pacino, and for good measure Halle Berry and Jennifer Morrison. Feed ‘em their parents. I don't know why.

6. Your favorite film franchise is: Lord of the Rings without a doubt.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theatre? Circumcising them with a rusty nail.

8. Choose a female bodyguard – My mother (Uma Thurman in Kill Bill doesn’t stand a chance).

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? – Owen Wilson’s nose.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) – Arnold Schwarznegger movies where he kills anybody with a driver’s license.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? – No more freaking Adam Sandler, Owen Wilson or Ben Stiller movies. They can only work as “fluffer uppers” in porno flicks!

12. Bonnie or Clyde – Bonnie….I’m not a bisexual penguin like Sloth.

Don’t anyone tag me again! I’ll kill all you virgins!

Remember the cereals....and junk food

Food...Glorious food…..Hot chicks and mustard….something like that. Even though Big Mama is stuffing me with 6 course meals every day, I still miss the great foods that I have grown accustomed to in Birmingham.

Here’s the few that come to mind….

Crunchy Nut Milk Chocolate Clusters – It’s rare for a cereal to take the pedestal of Kelloggs Frosties (Eating it since I was 8). But this little cereal blended the nectar of the gods with the secretions of an Aphrodite. I even convinced the cashier at Tescos to give it a try when I went in for my 5 boxes a week stash. I bet she’s moved up I world now…probably a bag lady at Marks and Spencers.

Big Wok – All you can eat baby! Been there are least 10 times and I’ve only gotten sick 3 of those times! I’m so proud of myself! 50 oil dripping dishes that would give a buffalo a coronary. Wonderful stuff.

Bar on Bar – Recently discovered that they have some of the finest pizzas in town! Pizza Express…you don’t hold a candle! Soft, fluffy, delightful little pizzas at this little bar near the canals. Thank you to Demi-God and Raven for the introduction.

Walkers Sweet Thai Chilli – Fantastic chips that I can eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner and still look forward to its mouth watering goodness when I lay my lovely locks on the pillow at night.

Subway – That’s right! Sri Lanka doesn’t have a Subway! How barbaric! Meatball Marinara you can stink up a room like a bitch but hell, you taste so good! Ah, the number of times The Don and me have picked up a sub and gone to my room and watched Family Guy or some equally entertaining program on my baby….You can’t eat memories like that!

Cafe Gusto - A newly discovered coffee joint by Italian Demi-god and Raven. Very cool with a great atmosphere and excellent service by the Italian staff who Demi-god shamelessly chats up because she speaks Italian.

Crepe Joint in South Kensington – Darwin, Lady Pagan and Clocked One will agree with me when I say that this place truly rocked when it came to making out of this world Crepes. I thought a crepe was the consequence of passing a really large stone before I went into this joint. Live and learn people and believe, sinking your teeth into these little beauties will tingle your giblets to high heaven. Chocolate Hazelnut crepe…I recommend to thee!

If ever any of you tumors with hair come to Sri Lanka, pick up these goodies along with you. It might stop me from shooting your ass when you step foot on my property.

F#%$ “Snakes on a Plane”…This is way worse!

Oh why why why why are people are so goddamn stupid! Each race stupider than the next! Now the Arabs……they are way up the totem pole of “Retarded faggots”. Emirates Airlines.…get ready for this…. are going to allow MOBILE PHONES to be used on aircrafts from next year!! Jesus, Mary, Joseph and Little Buddha! Talk about stupid marketing gimmicks! The jerks actually think by allowing people to have mobile phones on a plane, more people will travel!

Being in a seat the size of a sardine can next to smelly people and breathing recycled air, eating food they probably scrapped off a hobo’s boot is bad enough....but actually sitting in a contained area listening to a whole load of jag offs talk on their phones in DIFFERENT LANGUAGES! Dear Lord! Not only that, you’ll be listening to every frigging ring tone too from “Mary had a little Lamb” to some stupid Snoop Dogg tune!

Hopefully, in business class, they’ll give us pistols to shoot wankers who annoy us with their jabberings over the phone. It seems like the next logical step!

Yesterday....

As so many have described my leaving Birmingham as the “end of an era” (Two, alright! Bah, cynics!), I have been inclined to look back and dig up pieces of my fractured mind. It’s not surprising that the people who top the list are my amigo numero unos but what strikes me as strange is the people I didn’t know that well or haven’t kept in touch since keep coming up in my head. It’s strange how a person you won’t think twice about can still make you knobbly at the knees when you remember the great time you had together. For example: A certain tall “J’lo” look alike lass was so sweet and adorable that I still remember her quirky little smile and laugh. I met her only twice, but she’s forever stuck in my little, twisted mind. If she ever read this…I’d be sued faster than Michael Jackson in heat.

Thirteen years ago a kid in my Karate bus (yes, I took Karate! Got up to brown belt, suckas!) collected the ever popular, Street Fighter cards. They were the rage at the time and I really wanted to collect them too. However, my Birth Giver said she’d rip my liver out and feed it to pigeons before she gave me money for those cards. After narrowly losing my liver, this kid agreed to bring the cards and we’d stare at them, admiring how cool they look, talk about the characters all the way to the class. Ah, those were some fine times! When it was time for me to leave for Sri Lanka, at the end of my last class, this kid gave me his entire collection as a gift! I almost passed out! This kid spent years having the coolest Street Fighter collection in the whole of Dubai! It was his pride and joy and he just handed it over to a person he’s never going to meet again. We didn’t even have internet at that time so fat chance I’m going to be writing letters! For the life of me, I can’t remember this kid’s name or even what he looked like…all I remember is that this kid showed me more generosity than I had ever known. I still have the cards and I’ll always remember this kid for it. He taught me more that minute than I have ever learnt through years and years of friendship with other clowns I considered friends. Aren’t you all ashamed now?

Superheroes Part I

It’s no secret that The Noodle has always had a thing for comics and superheroes. People either share my passion for the characters or dismiss it as juvenile traits of my character. What always fascinated me about the characters is that no matter how powerful they were, they couldn’t control everything (Well, unless you count the fact that Superman reversed the rotation of the Earth to save Lois Lane…That was pretty cool). They sometimes couldn’t even get the girl. The heroes even go as far as helping people who are absolute jerks to them. I would let their bones be liquefied but Superman and Spider-man are the kind of heroes who would risk their lives to save even the biggest dicks in the universe. Now that is something and I think we can learn something from that. I don’t know what it is, but hell, I’m sure you people who care can figure it out.

The Man of Steel! C’mon, who doesn’t love Superman! Sure the comic books suck (The villains were just so goddamn stupid! The Superman allies were even worse! SUPER-DOG! SUPER-CAT! C’mon!). But the Superman character was always so cool.

In the movies, the sweet, bumbling Clark Kent was just as fascinating to watch as was Superman. Superman and Superman Returns were brilliant for the sole reason that they showed the humanity in Clark Kent and the love he yearns for with Lois Lane. Try balancing that with being the most powerful being in the universe is one heck of a doozy. However, that never stops him from his dedication and will to do what is right. Incorruptible, absolutely flawless in every human trait, looking great in tights not to mention having his own awesome theme music, makes Superman someone to aspire to.

Christopher Reeve truly did show us a man can fly. Brandon Routh continues the legacy that is Superman.

Hoe Down

Calm down! Your mother hasn't been shot (Ba bing bam boom)! I'm talking more along the lines of the hillybilly song and dance. As the people I can stand know, I've re-ignited my love for Whose line is it Anyway?, the great improv comedy show thats been going on for a solid 20 years (Try and beat that, goddamn O.C). I recently had a conversation with a floozie, and she had the gall to tell me that I couldn't do the Hoe down which the performers do at the end of the show. What they do is ask the audience for an object or event and they have to come up with a few lines of song on the spot. She gave me a few suggestions and so did a bunch of other cretins! I dare you punks to think of anything better! Remember, less than a minute! Oh, and its best to read the following in the style of a song.

Vitamins
Every morning I take vitamins without fail,
Its made me so smart that I can now even read Braille
I should get some exercise cause I’m still a lazy bum,
Cause I’m starting to look like Praveen’s fatso mum.

Chocolate
Chocolate is funky, its always tasty and cool,
No matter what its made with, it always makes me drool,
I could eat it with cheese or dung or even cake,
But I’ll never ever eat it with anything that Darwin bakes.

My First Kiss
My first kiss was with someone very fancy,
It wasn’t with an animal or a guy who’s a nancy,
I wish I could tell you, I bet you’re really curious,
But if I do, Garuka’s mother would be furious!

Mobile Phones
I see lots of rude people with mobile phones around,
I wish I could grab them and stomp them to the ground
I’ll name a few, that’s right I’m gonna be a rat,
Pretty Princess, you’re the worst…y’know that’s a fact!

that's a faaaaaaaaaccct!!